Can Someone Please Direct Me to the Nearest Rock???

You don't need to have children of your own to know that they can say some pretty embarrassing things.  Heck even Bill Cosby knows that 'Kids Say the Darnedest Things'.  But no matter how prepared you think you are for the stuff that comes out of their mouths, there will always be a time when you get thrown a curve ball and are completely caught off guard for the whole new level they can take things to.  The moment when they raise the bar on saying something embarrassing, will almost always: 1) happen in a public location and 2) there will be witnesses.

So let me share the story of the whole new level my son took this game to last week.  [Please note that my face may still be a shade or two redder than usual because of this encounter.]  One day after work I picked my son up from daycare and brought him with me to our local grocery store.  After we complete our shopping we stand in line at the check out.  There are a few people in line in front of us and then a person comes on up and stands behind us.

Out of the blue my son looks at me and says "Look Mommy, I see a troll!" And proceeds to point at the woman directly in front of us.  Time suddenly seems to stand still and the world starts spinning around us. My mind cannot process what is actually happening in front of me.  Apparently my son takes my lack of speech as a sign to repeat what he just said in a louder voice and with a more pronounced pointing motion says "Look, I see a troll!!!"

My heart starts racing in my chest.  I can feel the laser beams from the troll's eyes burning a hole directly into my skull.  If ever was the time when the theory of spontaneous combustion needed to be proven, now was it.  Oh please let us poof away in a magical cloud of white smoke right now.  But alas the white smoke never comes and I must now react to the whole situation.

I immediately bend over and tell my son "Sweetheart, that is not very nice. There is no such thing. Please no more talking until we get into the car."  Mortified, I turn to the woman and say "Please forgive my son, he is only two and doesn't know any better."  She grunts at me, and turns her back to us.

We stand there in complete silence. I swear I can hear the people behind us in line snickering to themselves. I pray that my son stays quiet until the woman in front of us pays for her stuff and leaves. Is the cashier going slower just to see if the two year old follows up with another witty gem?  And sure enough he bites.  "What is not nice about saying she is a troll? She looks just like the troll in my movie."  At that point I grab my son, turn two shades of fuchsia, say 'sorry' and dash out of line in search of shelter in the soda aisle to regroup until the troll leaves the store (and possibly the state).

Looking back on the whole episode a few days later, I can finally laugh.  And in my son's defense, the woman was not really playing her "A game" in the appearance department.  So this experience reminded me that it is never a good idea to wear food stained clothing in public, brushing my hair before leaving the house is always a good idea, it only takes you two extra minutes to throw on some eyeliner, blush and lip gloss and there is never a rock close enough for you to crawl under when you really need it. 

P.S.:  The people at Disney are evil for putting trolls in kids movies because this entire episode could have been avoided if the ugly trolls were replaced with fluffy, cute kittens!!

[Caffeine consumed during the making of this blog:  None =( ]

No Comments From the Peanut Gallery

So I've started my personal journey towards getting in better shape.  Surprisingly I did not kill anyone during the first 72 hours of my new dietary lifestyle. That right there my friends is a huge sign of success.

I read somewhere that chewing gum, or brushing your teeth, after eating helps keep you from snacking between meals.  I should buy stock in Orbits gum because I'm almost at a pack a day habit in trying to stop the munchies.  The miracle is that in the first week, I've totally stopped eating between meals and after dinner by using this trick and I've already lost 4.7 pounds.  (There is the very distinct possibility that I was consuming half of my daily caloric intake between the hours of 7 and 10 p.m.) Twelve more pounds to go until I'm back at my happy target weight.

I broke out the jogging stroller last week for my first 'run' in about a year.  With me on this outing was my 2 1/2 year old son.  He is probably one of the funniest people I've ever met (part of me would really like to take credit for that trait.)  My son is remarkably verbal for his age.  Here is a brief overview of the conversation we had during this early morning 'run':

Me: Sit back sweetie and enjoy our morning jog.
Son: Mommy where are we going on our walk?
Me: Sweetie this is a jog not a walk. We are going to jog through the neighborhood, around the pond and over to the park.
Son: Mommy why are we walking over to the park?
Me: This is not a walk, this is a jog.
Son: When will we start jogging?
Me: We are already jogging.
Son: No Mommy we are walking.
Me: No sweetie, we are jogging.
Son: No Mommy, this is walking.
Me: So what animals do you think we will see this morning at the pond?
Son: Maybe some duckies.
Me: [huff]
Son: Mommy, what is that bird called?
Me: A killdear.
Me: [huff, pant, huff]
Son: Why is it called a killdear?
Me: I don't know.
Son: Why don't you know?
Me: I don't know. [huff, pant, huff, huff]
Son: When we walk past him, will he fly away?
Me: [huff, huff, cough, huff]
Son: Mommy?
Me: [gasp, huff, pant, cough]
Son: Mommy? Are you okay?
Me: [cough] Yes. [cough, cough, pant]
Son: I think we need to walk back home so you can have coffee.
[Silence]
[Silence]
Me: OK.

Happy Mother's Day to all the special women in my life.

[Caffeine consumed during the making of this blog: 1 very old cup of coffee]